What’s been bothering you about your style.
Transcript from a talk I gave in Los Angeles. Here. A good read, I think.
Wow, I am really touched that all of you made time to come out tonight, really thank you. We have now been to a couple of countries, and cities, doing these Creative Pragmatist seminars. And I have met the most incredible individuals. What’s been fascinating to witness is how, what all started as a conversation around s tyle, has turned in to so much more. And it’s pulled together a group of people who really share a similar mindset. And when I unpack all this, I suppose it really shouldn't be that surprising that this has happened. Because what we tapped into, in you all, was the frustration I had felt for years as a business owner, and also simply as an individual- that if you can’t describe yourself, if you can’t communicate who you are visually, then it is incredibly frustrating. It’s as if you don’t have a language with which to speak. A tower of babble. Or silence. And worse, when you can’t do it, often someone else well. Define you. And that sucks. It sucks if you are a business, a person in business, or a person just living their daily life.
To take a quick step back, i founded Tibi 25 years ago whilst living abroad in Hong Kong - this came after 8 years in advertising and marketing first with Ogilvy Advertising and then with American Express. I never imagined that this is what i would be doing so many years later - and how what we are doing has moved so far from being just about designing a collection or staging A runway show. But that it would evolve into these opportunities for me to have these incredible conversations. Not tweets. Not retorts in the comments section. This is Something sorely missing in the world.
On my flight here, something really crystallized for me. I watched BEING SERENA the hbo series about Serena Williams. And Serena was describing her husband and their relationship. And for those of you who don’t know, he is one of the founders of Reddit. Pretty Major. He describes himself as a total computer nerd. And Serena said “we are total opposites. But in actuality we are not - we are exactly the same because we both really value and engage in hard work, just in different ways.”
I have had this same experience with many of you who dm me daily . We are very different - in our geography, income and education levels, profession, race, religion. I think if I had our followers online fill out a typical demographic questionnaire , No ad agency would know what to do with it. But psychographically? This is where we all intersect. I chat with about 100 people a day- from all points on the globe - in a span of 10 minutes i can be typing with someone from London, dubai or a small city on Java - and i’m amazed - like we are all having an going conversation with each other. Quite literally what the person in Hanoi says gets piggybacked on by someone in Elpaso. It’s not that we’re “saying” the same thing - it’s that we are having a dialogue that evolves and changes as we mutually learn more about ourselves and about how to communicate our style. These conversations have substance and have led to some really great outcomes for many of you. - and to be honest, to us here at tibi- and i appreciate you sharing your stories. I feel fortunate we’ve found a way to use social media in this manner
So Today we will talk about Creative Pragmatism, how to find your own style and we’ll scratch the surface on how to execute it
First thing first, just what it means to be a Creative Pragmatist.
You all know I’ve been establishing through my stories why your head is so fucked up about style. And if it has taken me this long to put words to it - and if I’m part of the industry - then i mean, many of u guys are screwed right? But I’ve figured out a lot over the last couple of years. First, there is no such thing as good style or bad style. There is only personal style. In life, we have 3 ways to communicate: through our words, through our actions and through our visuals. And visuals speak loudly. They scream. I want my visual to be in line with who i am. What i think. What i believe. And when that does not happen I feel unsettled - u feel unsettled.
What we all have in common, is that we are complex individuals. And i know many of you have felt ping ponged around - not really fitting into any of the “set” groups of style outlined on a department store floor or in a magazine. Bohemian. Classic. Sexy Glam. Edgey. Girly Romantic. Modernist. And by the way, just how do you maneuver across your life with these one dimensional constructs? If you are sexy glam, and your at tumble bugs with your 3 year old, how does that work - do your stilettos pierce the gym mat? If you are girly, how does that work in the corner office of a hedge fund or if you are a neurologist who has to deliver sensitive news? What you probably realized is that with these flat Stanley one dimensional descriptions, you had moments where you felt your best - the modernist at the art gallery opening feels confident, but in the vegetable aisle not so much. So you see the delimma right? These descriptions don’twork. Because there is no depth. And peoples lives are deep. Yet this is what you’ve had to work with.
Some of you have been told to extrapolate your style from the clothing item that you loved most - thinking “well, fuck, maybe if that slim black pencil skirt worked for me, then I should be buying more slim skirts - and now you’ve a closet full of slim skirts. And you wonder why you feel dull. Repetitive. And why when u have to go to the grocery store you are at a total loss because you’ve linked your style to a pencil skirt. Rather than to you.
And listen, this happened to me. And it happened to me with business - because for years, I was a printed dress. A bright ass colored printed dress. I let my company get boxed in, to get defined by others, because I couldn’t come up with the words, the adjectives, to define my style - so I let others do it for me. Hell, at one point I even hired a consultant to do it for me. WTF?
So knowing that i would never fit in to one of these boxes, but also knowing that it was just nonsensical that i had to in order to “give myself clarity” - or in the case of some of you designers here, to give stores or editors clarity, I decided to give our style a name. In order to do this, I had to stop defining myself by what we were not - “not super refined but not bohemian, not uptown but not downtown” - but by what we are. And I kept coming back to two words that really describe our ethos. Creative yet Pragmatic. We are Creative Pragmatists - passionate inquisitive creative individuals - but damn - i need balance - i’m not cut out for the life Robert mapplethorpe had. I’m not just a creative. I’m a business owner, a wife, a friend and a mother. We’ve got shit to do- our feet are planted. We are pragmatic. And this makes sense - because when you are passionate about what you do, but grounded and thoughtful, when you change with the times because you are constantly evolving, then you need a style name that reflects that. And i refuse to let these qualities define me as “indecisive” or “chaotic.” I can wear a black 3 piece suit one day and feel just at ease with myself the next day in red track pants and jeweled sandals - because i know my thru line. There is a method to the madness and naming it gave me clarity. I view this term not as a box but as a straight line on which one can move across freely. Between creativity and pragmatism. I also wanted a term for our style that would get to the core of who I am - so that no matter if I am at a black tie event, the office, on a gym mat with my kids, or just out hiking , that my style speaks for me. No more bifurcated closets made up of outfits for specific events. One closet - one style - my style.
Now I know some of u are uncomfortable declaring yourself as ‘creative.” But creativity comes in many forms - you do not have to have artist on your resume to own the label. And if creative is not exactly how your friends would describe you - that’s ok, because who you want to be, what you are working towards - that’s what counts. It’s the only thing that counts.
So today, what we want to talk about is what it means - to be a CP - and ULTIMATELY how in the FUCK do we figure out our style. I mean, that is really the holly grail - to have style, not “good” style but our own style. Remember, style is subjective. I mean whose to say who has style - Audrey Hepburn or Janet Jackson? Zendaya or Dolly Parton. These women exude style. But very different style. Right? So, when you have your own style, when you know what that is, i can tell you it is so relieving. It is relieving of anxiety when getting dressed. It is relieving of fear of being judged. And its relieving of over spending. Because when u know what u want, u buy less. You have a clearer vision. And that is great. You know what also feels great? When people stop complementing you on a shoe. Or a brand of bag you are carrying. When they start complementing just you, that is the ultimate. And please, it is not the ultimate because we live for affirmations from others - that’s not what I’m saying. But what I’m saying is, clearly, you nailed it. People are seeing you, not the items. And that is style. But in order to really figure out your style, you have to first figure out who you are. It’s circular that way.
And it’s not easy to step back and do this because you’ve been trained to think a certain way. We all have. Everyone - in every country. When you get dressed, or try and get dressed, and are unhappy with the results, you probably think it is for one or all three of these reasons:
1) You do not have the latest trend - nothing is new enough….
2) You are not accentuating your “best assets” or looking “slim enough” - maybe if your hips looked less wide, you would like what you are wearing
3) maybe the color is not flattering enough - your mother always told you you were a “winter” and that shade washed you out - that’s probably the reason
But here is what i know for certain. And i bet you know it too. That going out and finding the “super on trend IT item”, the sliming curvy dress, or wearing the color red because it brightens your face, you know that did not fix things. Because if the result is you now you have this Red hot trend mini dress in a really functional spandex that flatters your curves - you don’t have your problems solved. You have one outfit- if you even liked that dress - but we all know the saying……give a man a fish, feed him for a day….teach him to fish…….
So style is more than the outfit. And it’s more than Looking good/hot, whatever. It’s more. And today we will talk about the more. You see, feeling great, and i am saying “feeling great” all the time - and not the word “looking” great - although i do believe they are inextricably linked - because To FEEL stylish is to be stylish and to be stylish is to look good because you look like you. Your most at ease confident you. Your best you. And you can not know your best self if you do not know your self.
So you know this was a 25 year struggle for me to define myself. Getting to these adjectives that describe your style is not easy. You can see the problem here, if you’ve always thought about style in terms of “trends, slimming or the right color” , and if style is supposed to describe you, then do you, would you, use any of those three words to describe who you are? I don’t think so.
It is only in the last couple of years that I really started thinking about the deeper meaning of style. And it’s ability to communicate. I took it at face value that to be confident meant u wore a suit. Or strong shoulders. To be feminine it was a flirty dress. But i know now it is so much more than that. And it’s complicated - until you get it. And when you get it, it’s great.
In the beginning on IG when we started this process and i would ask people to tell me their personal style, they would answer that they consulted a friend, a partner or a parent what their style was - saying they were “too close to the subject and wanted an objective opinion.” You would ask Suzy in the next cubicle - Suzy tight white jeans espradrille wedge wearing Suzy - not that there is anything wrong with that but simply that this person and you do not have the same style. Yet u asked her. U know you did. And while this may tell you what style you are “giving off” it does not tell you who you are as a person - and remember, the two can not be untwined. What we give off and what we intend to give off can be very different things and are often a mismatch due to nothing more than the fact that we havent “learned” how to do it. Yes, style can be learned. ….
So here is the exercise we do together. We have determined, give or take to a degree, that the three adjectives that describe us as a group is chill, modern and a bit classic. All of this, by and large, is present in all of you - it’s why you are here. And if it’s not how you outwardly show yourself, it’s an aspirational goal for you. You aspire to relax just a little, be more present in the here and now. And i am going to show you the exercise i did to distill my adjectives, our common adjectives - through using quotes. And then next, we will talk about the quotes that identify where we diverge - and this is a very concise and easy way for us to all understand how our core may be so similar, but we are all individuals and our twists, our take on our style is very personally our own - it is why we are not clones and if we were, it would make us incredibly unhappy.
To find our adjectives, our style, I looked to quotes to help me peel this back. I find quotes the most revealing because your choice of them, what you selected, you did so because when you read it or heard it for the first time, your head nodded right away. It spoke to you. You got it. You didn’t go ask a friend for validation if the quote was good. You didn’t seek out approval from a parent or a colleague. The feeling was visceral. They reveal your thoughts and
aspirations.
So I am going to tell you my 3 favorite quotes. And the fact that you are here, the fact you wear TIBI tells me these will mean something to you. I bet they’ll mean a lot.
“I like friends that have independent minds because they tend to make you see problems from all angles.” Nelson Mandela
Interested, open minded, accepting, confident, at ease, chill (you have to be confident and at ease with your own thoughts to allow yourself to hearing contrasting points of view)
CHILL
“It is never too late to be what you might have been”. Mary Ann Evan’s - pen name George Elliot
Hope, optimism, pushing forward, working hard, curious, eyes to the future, modern. MODERN
“Don’t find fault, find a remedy”. Henry Ford
thoughtful, smart, accountability , understanding, pragmatic, respectful, elegance, class, classic (a certain elegance and class to say intellectually this happened, how do we solve it, move forward, do not dwell)
CLASSIC
So our adjectives are Chill, Modern and Classic.
So how does this reflect in your clothing - how you select what you buy, wear or how you wear it?
When we show chill, then as a designer or as person shopping we create or look for items that have maybe a bit of drop shoulder, maybe if the neckline is high the fabrication is quite fluid and relaxed. Maybe the pocket sits a bit lower on a pant, or the front rise has that extra room in it. Ease. Not sloppy.
And remember Modern and Classics are in my description as well - and to be fully rounded, complete - I need all three - on me, at all times, to really feel like myself. Why 3 adjectives? And not just 1 or 2? Because it’s impossible to fully encapsulate who you are in one word. If someone were to describe me as chill, you could imagine me running around manhattan barefoot and growing sprouts from mung beans at my desk. So I need more to round out the description
MODERN….
The definition of MODERN - means to “have characteristics of the present…”. And to be present means being fully alive. Pushing forward and relevant. That is how I want to feel.
Think about the opposite of this - someone who dresses fully in vintage, retro - maybe they are wanting things to go back to the way they were, just have time stand still for a while, not change. And that’s a thing - not a bad thing- just not my thing. And just an example of how clothing creates a perception. But to me the world is constantly changing and I want be part of that - and that is Modernity. So, I look to balance out the chill with modernity - maybe if it is a sweatpant then it has a really interesting sculptural shape on the leg ; if it’s a denim jacket, maybe the pleat in the back creates an curious shape that makes you want to study further.
And
CLASSIC -
In fashion that would refer to tailored lines, refined details. Concepts that stay in fashion year after year. But to me what classic really means, what I am drawn to, is that it is about respect for the past. The acknowledgment that what we have today came off the backs, the hard work, of those that have come before us. To respect heritage and classics is to have a sense of humbleness. So for me this is where I reach for the nostalgia of a loafer, the shape of a baseball jacket or the simplicity of the perfect crew neck sweater. Shapes that have stood the test of time.
Knowing your adjectives is critical. Your core is unsettled if you do not.
BUT NOW WE GET TO THE NEXT LAYER. Finding the word that is very personal to us. Not the word that defines us as a group here tonight , but that word that can truly express that extra layer of individuality that we all possess. This is that extra layer that keeps our team - Traci, our head of design and Sarah and myself from looking like clones.
And again, quotes here can help you.
These aren’t the quotes that define you - they’re not the ones that you would use if you were interviewing for college or a job and they asked for your defining quote. But nonetheless they are very revealing. What these quotes get to - we call them the adverbs - because adverbs modify an adjective. They modify your CHILL, Modern, Classic.
My quotes here are around clever humor. It will always be something from Steve Martin or Mark Twain. Humor is very important to me - if I ever feel to serious in my clothing , I feel the need to strange it up. Add something off kilter. It humanizes ME. For me.
For you , it may be something around beauty. You may be all the CMC, and then crave beauty. Softness. Sentimentality. And that’s why maybe you mix Tibi with something from Chloe or Valentino - or your grandmothers favorite scarf. And it’s why I mix my tibi with JW Anderson or balenciaga - the good clever fun pieces.
So, think back to the beginning of this conversation, If I'm the one getting dressed, If I do not feel good in what I am wearing, you can see that my immediate fix is not to address “trend/fit/or color”. If I do not feel good in what I am wearing, then every time, it comes down to the issue that I am not communicating MY STYLE. Who I am. Chill modern and classic. And all with a bit of humor. Armed with this knowledge, I become like the ultimate style doc.
So many of you send me DM’s with a picture - and you tell me you like what you are wearing , but something feels off. Or , you’re missing that extra something something. Well know, you can quickly dissect the problem.
Imagine it’s me, and I’m in sweatpants, my favorite tee shirt, an my oversized cardigan and trainers. These are all my pieces favorite pieces in my closet - but styled together - it is all chill. It doesnt mean i dump the outfit and start again - or figure well shit i’m just going to the grocery store i get a “pass”. THIS IS NOT about looking good at the grocery store - this is about looking like yourself. So if i am all chill, i know i just need to mix in my modern and classic. Maybe i switch the sneakers for a loafer. The cardigan becomes an oversized white shirt with interesting proportions. Now I feel balanced. I have style - but importantly, I’m still very appropriate for the moment I’m in. Remember, I’m just going to pick up lettuce.
When you know your adjectives and adverb, you will really begin to understand the difference between what looks visually great but doesnt make you feel great. This will help you when the sales person, the friend, the partner says “omg that looks amazing on you.” Because unequivocally it may indeed look amazing on you. But It just may not be you. If I’m wearing a black fitted suit, strong shoulders, and black pointed toe pump - visually it may look great - but this is not me - I will feel itchy. My shoulders will actually twitch. But i can fix this because I know i am missing the element of chill - i have classic and modern ticked, but no chill. But if I switch out the pump for a flat and maybe I add a high neck tee underneath to take it down a notch, I feel myself. Regardless if you thought I looked better the other way. Because this is about how I feel. And I feel Balanced - interesting and clever - modern- not one dimensional.
Your descriptors become your fixes. They also help you navigate trends. Some of you write and say “ok, what if the oversized blazer trend dies. What do we do? Well, remember , first, I don’t wear this as a trend. I wear it because it is that item of utter ease that is still classic and modern. It’s my tool I drape over my shoulders when my outfit needs relaxing. If u start to think of your core clothing items as tools, ingredients, you will relieve yourself from the fear of irrelevance. This doesn't mean I dont love or buy in to a trend. I do. They just occupy a narrow and specific place in my closet.
These tools, we refer to them as our items that without fail we can count on them, we wear them in repeat,
They actually help me diversify rather than limit the range in my closet. I use them to help me not get sick of what I have. If any of you cook, think of them as ingredients - no one ever walks in to their kitchen and says “for fucks sake, are we having olive oil again for dinner??” No. You don’t get sick of olive oil - because it is a mainstay always used to help you create amazing meals.
Someone wrote to me the other day and said a colleague walked past and said “you look so good every day you must spend so much time getting dressed in the morning.” And she said “actually it’s the opposite. I just know my style.”
So you see, three adjectives and an adverb. That is how you define your style. And I hope that when you look at me, you see my my style. Because that means you see me. Someone confident in their skin, in their ideas. And let me be clear, there are so many days when I do question myself, when I do not feel confident or certainly when I’m not living up to my quotes and what I believe. But when I am projecting how I want to feel, well, it jus makes me fell a whole lot more settled. And that is a good thing.
Everytime I stay authentic to myself (which I learned from watching/reading you) and dress for this: "I want my visual to be in line with who i am. What i think. What i believe." I get this from people, including complete strangers... they "start complementing just you." Feeling seen feels good. Thank you.
Your "I will feel itchy." (in the wrong clothes) brought back a memory of a conversation with my mother. I was 12 or 13 & trying to explain to her why my clothes - a cardigan, kilt, long socks & mary janes felt wrong & I didn't want to wear them. She didn't get it & I felt "itchy" physically & mentally every time I wore them. Thanks, your thoughts really struck a chord.