I hate the word Happy. And it’s sister Joy.
Hear me out. Growing up, my dad was a psychologist and an artist (and my mom a teacher - you get the visual). I have a younger sister who I consistently tried to wield power over. She was (is still) six inches taller than me, but that never served as a detterent. I loved clothes, I worked every menial job to earn money to buy clothes. My sister feigned disdain for fashion, but I’d constantly catch her plundering my closet in search of a piece to wear. And then, inevitably, my favorite top would be slipped back into the bottom of my drawer with a giant stain on it. And I would scream “I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And she would cry, and she’d tell our parents how much she loved me, and that my feelings towards her made her really really really sad. She had this act down and in the meantime, while getting sympathy, she fucking ruined my shirt.
I’ll get to the point, stay with me.
At this point, my dad would send me to my room tasked to write 20 words on a sheet of paper expressing how I felt about my sister without using the word hate. My first attempts using words like “extremely detest the ground you walk on” were rebuked. But you can see where this is going. The act of thinking about the feeling, breaking it down, and communicating it in multiple ways gave me better perspective. And importantly, time to calm down and move the emotion into something actionable.
And now, we get to the word happy….joy. We are told that our closet should bring joy, our purchases should make us feel happy. Even our office is supposed to make us feel this way. Just google the joy of shopping, the visuals are powerful. I mean, check out this one below, she’s positively bubbling over with happiness and joy.
The problem is, happy is the byproduct. It’s the expected, but very often unexpected, result of something else. What that means is, it’s the hardest outcome to obtain if you don’t know what inputs are likely to ensure its likelihood.
Try this. When you feel great in your clothes, when you feel best after a purchase or an interaction at your office, document the moment. In your mind will do, but on paper or on your phone is best if you’re like me with memory for shit.
For me, I feel happiest when I am:
Content Smart Showing Character Exuding Strength Useful Productive Independent Making Progress
When I feel content, I feel at ease, and when I am at ease I feel generally happy.
When I feel I’ve learned, wore, or discussed something in a smart, and often atypical way, I feel happy.
When I feel right in the environment that I’m in while maintaining my sense of self, it is exhilarating. It makes me happy.
When I’ve leaned on my principles to make decisions, often tough ones, I feel solid. Sure of myself. Happy.
When I understand what I need and where to find the tools to help me, I feel strong. If I double down on this with good health, I feel even stronger. This makes me happy.
When I have added to something bigger, or moved forward with intent, but paused often to validate or reconsider but never stay stagnant, I feel energized. And that makes me happy.
So, it seems ridiculous to describe my feelings here about my clothing, my style, my closet as happy. Because it’s so much more.
This is me in Paris for work in March. Warm, put together, feeling very right and comfortable in my surroundings and ready for a long day of work. Happy.
Remember, those singular words make for good headlines and memes. But it’s worth digging deeper. You’ll make better decisions as a result. If you keep trying on clothes, or even new jobs, hoping the feeling happy flows through you, then I’d like to give you the same advice my father gave me: go to your room and give me 20 ways to express Happy without using the word happy. Off you go…..
Dad. At the Van Gogh immersive exhibit. Happy.
*note: I never had “10 reasons” why I hated Happy. But I did think it would be a catchy title and I wanted to see if it garnered more views. I am curious.
Find your passion
That’s my trigger
Your dad taught you to write your emotions! What a gift he gave you. Possibly your teacher mom had a hand in this as well, but Shitballs to require the sharing in the written word, brilliant.
I have gained a great deal of insight and pleasure (is this happy?) from your written word (book, Substack, Instagram!) also you have given me words to describe my style. I am in your debt (and I am trying to pay you with clothing purchases. Hahahaha) fondly, B