Some 40,000 DM’s later, 5 patterns emerge

And a picture is painted.

First, some background: I’m the Founder and Creative Director of Tibi. In 2020, I started conversing with people over social media and specifically in my DM’s. And I’m grateful for the conversations I’ve had, first because I’ve made incredible friends here, even ones that have moved off line. Sound scary and weird? Yes, it did to me too, until it happened and then it just made sense. But I’m also for the perspective I’ve gained as these conversations revealed, over time, just how deeply what we wear and how we think about our style, impacts us in ways that extends well beyond having a great outfit for the day.

Below is a snapshot of a DM that’s proven to be all too typical over the years . This one played out over the course of some seven months or so. Now going on over four years of DM’s, people are writing to me at all different stages of understanding their personal style: some follow the trajectory below and off they go, others keep going with it and end up realizing and describing to me tremendous gains from better understanding who they are and how to show that visually, and some just think fuck this, I don’t get it, I’m out. And that’s, of course, ok.

Here I share for you an exchange. For many, it will likely touch a nerve, maybe put to words what you’ve been feeling. And if so, I’m curious. And if not, I’m also curious.

DM: “How does this sizing on this blazer run?”

Me: “Oversized, look at the model. That’s the intent, I’m not hiding the fit. She’s wearing a size small.”

DM: “I got my blazer, I ordered it two sizes smaller than my typical size, but it’s still too big.”

Me: “Yes, it’s engineered to be oversized. It will never be fitted on the body, the seams will never allow for it. You can’t make it something it’s not.” Send me a pic of you in it.

DM: ”See picture here:>..”

Me: WTF!??!!! Why are you barefoot and standing all erect and weird, is that how you go around in real life. Relax your arms, put on shoes, stand like a normal person and send me a picture. Ok?

DM: “Ok, here’s a new pic. Yes, this looks better.”

Me: ok, good. Now go wear your blazer.

1 mos. Later

DM: ”Hey, I’ve been wearing that blazer, but I don’t look as great in it as I’d hoped, but every time I see you wearing in your videos, you look so good but then I never look the same way. We’re the same size, I can’t figure it out.

Me: Because I’m wearing the right size. You’re not. Just because you fit in to the blazer two sizes smaller, didn’t mean that it it would “fit” as defined by being chill and chic.

PRESS PLAY BELOW:

1 mos. later

DM: ”I’ve been wearing the blazer with more eased out pants, I got the Stella wide leg jean. I feel better in it. The total look is more relaxed, not so uptight. That’s what you were giving off, what I was missing.”

Me: Glad to hear it, you definitely look like you feel more comfortable.😘

2 mos. later

DM: “Ok, fuck it. I sold the smaller blazer now I’ve bought my size.”

Me: yay. Lmk how that goes.

1 mos. later

DM: I asked my co-worker (see her below) if she liked my blazer and she said no. She’s so rude, she’s always trying to make me second guess myself. I could see her rolling her eyes at my outfit.

Me: Well, you asked a specific question. Sounds like she just doesn’t mince words. But most of all, I think she just has a different style than you. +note, that’s a Shutterstock stand in - no need to drag the colleague here.

DM: Even still, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to dislike what I’m wearing.

Me: Do you like what she’s wearing?

DM: No, actually I hate it.

Me: So…….

2 mos. later

DM: WOW, I’m wearing this blazer everywhere. It’s over my shoulders at an evening event, it’s my 3rd layer on an airplane when I travel, it’s the piece that gives me calm when I need to feel put together but chill, it’s dressing up my jeans but somehow relaxing when I wear it as a suit. I feel so good, effortless.

1 mos. later

DM: That co-worker today asked me if I stole my dad’s blazer, she said I looked like I’d gone swimming in my clothes.

Me: and?

DM: I shrugged, we have totally different style.

1 week later

DM: The TSA agent at the airport said I had the best style. The grocery clerk said I always look so chill and cool. Honestly, that felt so good.

Me: And the colleague?

DM: Nah, she still hates my blazer. But she know’s it’s my thing.

Me: Yep. That makes sense, because you have different style.

DM: Yah. Her style is very her. And mine is mine.

Me: Previously you told me you hate what she wears.

DM: I did? I guess what I mean is, it’s just not my style.

Me: Yep.

Patterns were forming:

1) Conversations moved from the person using the word “look” to the word “feel.”

2) Observations were being made that people may not like something you’re doing/wearing, and liking/admiring someone and caring about their opinions/affirmations are not synonymous. You can like someone and not seek their affirmation and the absence of it does not need to affect you negatively. People, really good people, have different opinions. Including you, when you’re honest about it.

3) People were connecting that when they understood the reasons behind the choices they’d made, then someone disagreeing with their choices was just seen as nothing more than an observation, just data - as non confrontational as someone declaring they like spinach and when you do not. No offense taken, how could there be? You’re different people.

4) Positive comments about your personal style carry far more weight and meaning than comments about an item you’re wearing. A friend or colleagues praise of the designer bag on your shoulder just affirmed that maybe you had the money or the foresight to recognize a trend. But a comment on your personal style was received as commentary on your whole self. People were seeing the full sum of your parts.

5) When you recognize that your style is a reflection of who you are, it’s hard to “hate” the way someone else is dressed. Rather you start to become curious about why they made the choices they did and you wonder what it says about that person. And when this happens you start to realize how subjective it is, when a sales person, a parent, a friend gives you such a firm opinion about a piece of clothing you’re trying on. The only opinion that could truly matter is your own, how could it not?

As we head in to 2025, I take pause to reflect back and see the picture that’s slowly been painting in my DM’s. The overarching takeaway is that thinking is good and discourse is even better. And the more you understand yourself and what’s behind the often complicated and nuanced decisions you make, the more you’ll give others the benefit of the doubt that they’re just trying to work it out for themselves too.